• Melissa Carignan

With an attitude like that, it makes it easy....

Isn't it funny how something some one says to you can stick with you. Over time you start trying to remember exactly what was said since after hours and days and weeks of analyzing what was meant by those words you slowly start to forget the words that have haunted you..

The problem with me is that I tend to not forget anything. What most people aren't really aware of is I suffer from severe anxiety and with depression. So when something is bothering me and something isn't making sense to me I will drive my self nuts in my head with over thinking, then acting like I don't care, while the whole time caring too much. I've gotten so good at hiding it from most people that you would never realize it.. I've gotten so good at putting on the happy face to everyone that at night when I lay down in my bed is when my head goes crazy.. That's when I think about that last sentence someone said to me, that's when I think did I do enough for my son today, that's when I think about that closet I really need to clean out, that's when I think about the laundry I might have forgotten to take care of , that's when I think about how I should walk the dog more, that's when I think about my family and their health, that's when I think about all the things I've done wrong in my life, that's when I think about all the things I've done right, that's when I think about the ones I love and miss, that's when I think...

I try to think back and figure out if I've always suffered with this, have I always been one to overthink, have I've always been the one who has to be in control. Sure I could write a novel about my life and things that have probably caused me to be who I am but that's not what this is about. Shoot I don't really know what this was going to be about but I felt like I needed to write. I've been haunted like I said with some things and some days are better then others , but not a day goes by that I don't think, and then I think some more.

Just a little insight into what I might feel in one day..

For someone who has never suffered from anxiety I know it can be hard to understand how one minute your friend, coworker, girlfriend, wife, or mom seems to be fine and then the next they seem completely off the rocker, irrational, and just off. That's the thing, sometimes there is no explanation or reason for the anxiety attack, there is no way I can explain to someone what truly brings on my attacks but I know that I never mean to have an attitude (well the only time I can explain my sudden attitude is if I haven't eaten, yep hanger is real people!!). I never mean to blow family or friends off, I never mean to not return phone calls, text or emails, I never mean to just disappear at times , but I do and I would say I'm sorry and it won't happen again, but lets be real , we know it will.

This was almost exactly a year ago.. I was so broken and my heart hurt so bad but I would get up after 3 hours of sleep and put on the smile that was expected and get the things done that needed to be done.

I was really good at hiding my true emotions and thoughts from everyone including my family and close loved ones, until I couldn't hide it anymore and I was sitting on a bathroom floor barely breathing with tears streaming down my face, while having one of my worse panic attacks ever, that I knew it was time to get some help. My family history with mental illness is extensive (that will be another post) so I knew that its ok to admit you need help and there is a lot of options out there. A little over a year ago I went to see my Dr to talk to her about my depression, anxiety and debilitating panic attacks. My Dr. put me on anxiety and depression medicine and at first I was like this isn't helping, but I know it takes time so I waited. Last summer I was in a rough place with a lot of things coming at me from every direction and I felt so lost for a lot of reasons. But eventually things started to stable out for me, or so I thought...

A lot of things can happen in a year, a month, or a day. But this last year for me a lot has happened and changed for me. Some days I felt like I was barely treading water and wasn't sure if I was going left or right again. So in a lot of ways I felt like I was in the same place I was a year ago and that sucked. I knew my medicine wasn't working the same anymore for me either. I wasn't having the panic attacks like I use to, but I was feeling out of control in my head. I was having to take the "as needed medicine" at night to just be able to shut my head down and fall asleep. I was seeing 2am and 3am again and ohhh let me tell you nothing good comes from being up at those hours (unless your running a 100 miler and then still nothing good LOL). The things going through my head was annoying, it was like being on a hamster wheel and not getting anywhere . I started waking up exhausted and just off so it was a vicious cycle for me. Sure over the years I have had running to let off frustration and find some happiness that was truly just mine but even running wasn't having that affect for me anymore. And as most of you know since middle of May I finally admitted I needed to take a break and get my foot healed before I got back at it. I've missed it so much for a lot of reasons, but it was needed because it allowed me to reevaluate a lot of things.

Physically I knew what I needed to do and I have had the most amazing coach, friend and sister who has helped me along this journey and into our next adventure to make sure I'm healthy and strong. It's kinda nice to start fresh and be able to rebuild my body back to where I want it! Emotionally I knew what I needed to do and that was go back to counseling.. I needed to finally talk about all the things haunting me, all the things that break my heart and soul, the hurt and the pain, and try to find some peace. And mentally I knew that my head needed a little more. I had been doing a lot of research for awhile about the benefits of CBD oil , as I've been using it for awhile for recovery. I also knew the huge benefits of CBD with THC and figured it was time to finally go and apply for my medical marijuana card and see if this was something that was going to be able to benefit me. And nooooooooo I'm not looking to recreate my younger years after high school and not chasing the "head high" that then leads to the "munchies". I was looking for a natural and healthy alternative to the pills. I was looking for a natural and healthy alternative so I can function each day and be the best version of my self .

It's been a week since I've been taking two different types of oils from Surterra Wellness and I will admit I was shocked at how quickly I noticed a difference. I'm journaling everything I do and will write another post after some time passes about what I've noticed and how I'm feeling. If anyone has questions please reach out to me. I wasn't looking for a magic pill or drug to fix all that is wrong with me because I know there is no such thing as that.. I know that it's going to take time to truly be were I want to be but I know taking the steps I'm taking now I'll get there. As long as I keep taking care of my physical, emotional, and mental health I'm pretty confident things are going to turn out ok!! And don't worry, I'm taking you guys along for the crazy ride since writing helps calm this crazy mind of mine!

Today... a year after the other picture.. same smile, but this time things are different.

So yep with an attitude like this, it will make everything easier!


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